TNDC: Karyn's on Green

Let’s just get it over with. I’m not vegan. I don’t want to be vegan. Being vegan is weird to me. I respect the choice of those who are vegan, but it’s clearly not for me. Especially after my experience last night.

TNDC was canceled last time because Meghan and Alyssa were sick, and Neha had Bulls tickets. So we carried Amy’s pick over to this time. She chose Karyn’s on Green, 130 S. Green St., in the West Loop. Everybody was there except Neha, who was jet setting back from a Montreal business trip.

I was excited to try Karyn’s because I had heard as far as vegan restaurants go, it was top notch It had fantastic reviews on Yelp, and the actress Angela Basset had recently ate at either Karyn’s Raw or Karyn’s Cooked. As you can see by those restaurants’ names, the food is either raw or cooked at either location.

Prior to the day of the dinner, I think my mind protected me from understanding what vegan meant. Maybe it knew I might protest. I was associating vegan with vegetarian. Which, it is, but to the max.

According to www.vegan.org, a vegan is someone who, for various reasons, chooses to avoid using or consuming animal products. While vegetarians choose not to use flesh foods, vegans also avoid dairy and eggs, as well as fur, leather, wool, down, and cosmetics or chemical products tested on animals.

I was perusing the menu that morning and saw items like chicken legs and sausage and broccolini pizza. Then I made a confused face. Chicken? I don’t get it. But there’s no meat. I took my qualm to Megalicious, who informed me it’s fake. Then things started to come together.

I looked at the menu again. Caesar salad wouldn’t be legit Caesar salad because there wouldn’t be any eggs in the dressing. That sausage on the pizza isn’t sausage! It should say crab cake with a K! What the hell is Portobello bacon?!

This seems like I’m being dramatic, but anybody who knows me knows I love me some meat. Steak, hamburgers, pork chops, chicken, etc. etc. etc. As one former boyfriend who reads this blog said, (and I’m paraphrasing) “I’ve never met a girl who eats more meat than you.” TWSS.

The restaurant is cute, very sleek-looking. Meghan and I were the first ones there when it opened at 5 p.m. We had to get our cocktail on. We stuck with the house red wine, which, at $6 a glass was pretty darn good. We were going to order the Treetini, but we weren’t positive it actually had alcohol in it. The ingredients were listed as VeeV Açaí Spirit, fresh cucumber, agave, mint, and fresh lime juice. Alyssa ended up ordering it at dinner and it’s apparently a margarita/mojito hybrid. And they plant a tree somewhere if you buy one. We were upset we couldn’t mandate where the tree would be planted.

I was glad to hear the rest of the dinner club was just as apprehensive as I was. We all kind of sat in our seats, shoulders scrunched, scanning and scanning the menu for something that jumped out at us. We started with an old faithful: something fried. As an appetizer, we ordered the crispy mixed basket, which had sesame tempura battered vegetables, and fries, with barbecue and Thai cocktail sauce. Aside from the white asparagus, or albino asparagus as we were calling it, it was all great. Especially the avocados.

My goal was to not eat fake meat, as I don’t accept the premise. Meghan and I both ordered the split pea risotto; Amy got the marinated Portobello steak; and Alyssa ate the crab cakes. My risotto was fine, but it was like a pea explosion. I was hoping there was something other than peas in it, but no dice. It was also quite salty. Amy’s “steak” was actually a heavily seasoned Portobello mushroom. I had a bite and while I really enjoy Portobello mushrooms, I didn’t like the seasonings. I didn’t try Al’s crab cakes, but I had a bite of the grilled Bok choi that came with it and it was meh.

That was the theme. Everything was fine but tasted slightly off. “That’s cause it was,” my coworker said when I recapped the meal. And everything was really salty, as if they were trying to compensate for no flavor.

We thought we might fare better with dessert so we split a piece of chocolate peanut butter pie. Disappointment again. And again, the pie was freakin’ salted. Weird.

Overall, it may be a delicious place for vegans to eat. But now I just want a hamburger.