2012

On Dec. 19, 2012, it's all Soderlunds report to base. Apparently we'll have two days to drive each other nuts enough so when the end of the world comes, we'll welcome it.

My parents are among the crazies who really believe the end of the world is coming Dec. 21, 2012. We made the mistake of watching the movie "2012" on Friday, just to really drive it home.

Apparently the Mayan calendar doesn't go beyond Dec. 21, 2012, and people are taking it to mean the world will cease to exist after that date. The Mayans have a regular-guy 365-day solar calendar and also a 260-day spiritual calendar, but they also have a 5,128-year world calendar, that ends on the doomsday.

Apparently some pretty catastrophic stuff is going to go down, but nobody really knows what. Are we going to crash into another planet? I would find this weird since it seems like our nine (well eight now that Pluto punked out) planets seem to have a pretty good orbital gig up in space. Or is a black hole gonna show up and suck us all in? Or will the sun just start freaking out and raining down on Earth? NASA and NOAA have yet to sign off on anything.

Some people think it's not catastrophe that will occur but a spiritual enlightenment. The world will either change for the better or worse. John and Jan Soderlund (whose science accomplishments include cutting high school biology) have dismissed this theory altogether.

According to the countdown on the Web site December212012.com, which calls itself the official Web site for the Apocalypse, we have 991 days, 22 hours, 23 minutes and 35 seconds left. The Web site counts such celebrities as Mel Gibson, Montel Williams, Woody Harrelson and Lil' Wayne as believers. I'm dying to jump aboard the crazy train carrying those guys.

There's also believe that the Earth's magnetic field, which is apparently weakening, will shift and reverse the North and South poles or displace them. That doesn't sound so bad. It might cost some money to rewrite the textbooks and educate everybody on the switch. But if Wisconsin is the new South Pole, as it was in the movie, I can sign off on that. Wisconsin is really cold anyway.

Apparently the end of the world will be preceded by a slew of natural disasters. Thanks, Haiti and Chili earthquakes for solidifying this theory in my mom's mind.

Conspiracy theorists, like my godfather and uncle, Ron Raidy, believe there's a bunker underneath the Denver Airport meant to house the elite when this happens. Supposedly there's a mural in the airport pointing toward such a location.

I don't think this is going to happen. I think this is the new Y2K and instead of everybody thinking their VCR's won't make it to the Millenium, they think the sun is going to freak out and kill us all. If it does happen, my parents will surely be prepared with the appropriate provisions. We already have a minimum three cases of beer in the fridge; three cases of warm bottled water (It's never cold for some reason); an endless supply of A1, mustard, maple syrup and sardines; and enough brake parts cleaner to ward off anything bad.