Bernard Mysker ...

... is my grandpa. My mom's dad. And sometimes, I think he's a Martian. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with him. Even when he's grumpy and snaps at my mom or her brother or sister, if I say something, he's sweet as sugar. But the best part of hanging out with my grandpa, 82, is discovering the vast number of things he is confused about or has no idea exist.

See for yourself:
*There's a rumor he didn't know who The Beatles were. This, despite the fact that his two daughters went and saw "Help" at the theater and screamed their asses off when Paul came on the screen.
*He thought a CD was "certificate of deposit." Which, I suppose he's right, but he had no idea a CD also played music.
*He didn't know what STD stood for. "In my day we called it The Clap." When I laughed that he didn't know this, he said "I don't watch that MTV crap."
*He saw a commercial for a movie that wasn't even in the theaters yet and thought it was airing on CBS that night.
*We were in Hawaii and went out to lunch. I ordered nachos. My food comes, and he's just staring at my plate with a confused look on his face. Finally, he says "Kelly, what is a nach-o?" Had never heard of them. The catch here was these weren't your traditional nachos, they were Hawaiian nachos and had shredded pork and different toppings. So I had the task of trying to explain that while these were nachos, they were different than what he might order at any other restaurant. "Can I try one?" he asked. He grabs a chip, inspects it as if he just discovered a black pearl in a Hawaiian mine and puts it in his mouth. It was like watching a baby taste something for the first time.
*My mom and aunt bought him a cell phone so he could quit using calling cards when he contacted them from Florida. But a cell phone only works when you turn it on. When he does turn it on, it's for a minimal amount of time and then he turns it off again. I think he's convinced it's costing him thousands of dollars. Before he got his cellie, I was showing him mine and explaining how a plan worked. He was convinced I was getting ripped off. I explained I got 900 free minutes every month and he said "Nothing's free. They're getting their money somewhere." Every time he uses it, he holds it like it's a nuclear bomb or a grenade and never remembers specifically how he placed the call.
*Didn't know what a smoothie was ...

... which brings me to the next generation. My dad, 54, also didn't know what a smoothie was. "Is it like that crap you get at 7-11?" "No, that's a Slurpie." My dad has expressed similar characteristics to my grandpa and is also clueless about many things in pop culture.
*When asked if he'd ever eaten at Quizno's, he replies, "Isn't that the same thing as Kinko's?" The best part is he works for Federal Express, which owns Kinko's.
*Calls the iPhone a "Google Machine."
*"What's a Beyonce?"

There are many more stories for each that wouldn't translate into text. I hope none of this comes off as mocking or mean-spirited, since I know my kids and grandkids will probably be telling the same stories about me.