Dizzy Up the Girl

I may have a filthy mouth and a crude sense of humor, but I’m really a delicate little flower. I get dizzy. A lot.

It’s kind of become a problem in my life. There are things I can’t do, because I get dizzy.

I took ballet when I was 4 years old. I promptly quit, because I got dizzy. At the mature age of 9, I thought my problems were behind me, so I joined jazz class. Too many turns=dizzy girl. I quit.

The infamous teacups incident at Santa’s Village proved I cannot go on spinning rides. I can ride any type of roller coaster, but put me on a spinning ride and you better be ready to leave the theme park. Again, I thought I was over this when I went on the Mad Apples at the Schaumburg Fest. My friend Jeff turned into a maniac and would not stop spinning that damn wheel, despite my desperate pleas to stop.

Now, a lot of people get dizzy on carnival rides. Here’s where the delicate flower part comes in.

I also get nauseous during movies. I had to walk out of the theatre during “The Blair Witch Project.” I was breathing heavily in the Sony Theatres lobby (after sneaking into the movie of course) trying to get it together to see the end of the movie. When I saw “Speed 2” at Tradewinds (RIP), I had to sit on the floor in the back of the theatre. I left “United 93” early.” “The Bourne Ultimatum” ruined my night.

It’s the handheld camera effect that gets me. I honestly do not understand why directors use it. You’re not making anything more realistic, because I can walk down the street and not get dizzy, thank you very much.

I even got sick during “Avatar” during the 3D.

Oh, and I also get seasick. When my family went to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, we chartered a boat for the guys to go deep-sea fishing and the ladies to be dropped off at a beach to go snorkeling. Turned into the ghetto sea ride of the year, since the boat wouldn’t go faster than 12 mph, and the beach the captain dropped us at was lined with guys holding machine guns, people selling burritos on the sand, and water that was over your head after two steps.

Back to me. On the boat, all the captain had to drink was Coca Cola, so I downed a bunch of those before throwing it up over the side of the boat. I suppose being 16 years old and a little hung over didn’t have anything to do with that …

The latest bout with nausea came this week when this big shot commuter made a mistake on the train. The Metra train (which goes from the suburbs to the city) has seats that you can flip so you’re facing one another. I got on the train after work and sat in one of those, in hopes it would discourage others from sitting by me. As soon as the train pulled away from the station, I realized I was facing the wrong way! I had to decide whether to tough it out or become super awkward and sit next to the lady sitting across from me. Remembering my train etiquette, I decided to ride it out. But I still had to close my eyes for the remainder of the trip.

I sound like a hoot, huh?